<p>September is Suicide Prevention Month, a time when we collectively focus on raising awareness, providing resources, and offering hope to those struggling with suicidal thoughts. As someone who has grappled with suicidal ideation for years, I want to share my story of finding a path back to life and joy. It’s a journey that took me from the depths of despair to adventures across the globe, proving that there is always hope, even when it seems impossibly out of reach.</p><h2><strong>The Depths of Darkness</strong></h2><p>For years, I felt trapped in a void of hopelessness. Depression warped my reality, leaving me listless and without a sense of purpose. The world around me seemed to pulse with life and color, but I was stuck in a grayscale existence, wondering why I should even bother to remain in this world.</p><p>The weight of these dark thoughts was exhausting. I craved the joy I saw in others, the zest for life that seemed to come so naturally to everyone else. But my mind kept circling back to escape, to ending it all. It got to the point where I couldn’t even bring myself to save money or plan for the future – why bother when I didn’t expect to be around?</p><h2><strong>The Turning Point</strong></h2><p>Amid this darkness, a tiny spark of rebellion ignited within me. I was tired – not just of living, but of feeling this way. The constant negativity and hopelessness had become their own kind of prison, and some part of me longed for freedom.</p><p>I spent weeks scouring the internet, reading about others’ experiences with depression and suicidal thoughts. I devoured tips and resources on navigating this treacherous mental terrain. And slowly, an idea began to form: If I was so convinced there was no future for me, why not do whatever I wanted with my life?</p><p>This shift in perspective became my lifeline. Instead of seeing my life as a burden to be endured, I began to view it as an open canvas. If I truly believed I had nothing to lose, why not pursue my wildest dreams?</p><h2><strong>Embracing Adventure</strong></h2><p>With this new mindset, I made a radical decision. I had some savings, and instead of hoarding them for a future I couldn’t imagine, I decided to use them to explore the world. I booked affordable hostels and cheap flights, determined to spend time in nature and see what life had to offer beyond my four walls.</p><p>This led me to Seattle, where I arrived with just two suitcases and a determination to find any job that would allow me to stay. From there, I secured a working holiday visa for New Zealand and Australia, embarking on an adventure that would reinvigorate my sense of self and rekindle my love for the world.</p><p>During these travels, I found myself fully present in ways I hadn’t been for years. The constant buzz of suicidal thoughts receded as I immersed myself in new experiences, cultures, and landscapes. Maybe it was running away from depression, but it was also running towards life.</p><h2><strong>Building a Toolkit for Survival</strong></h2><p>Of course, the journey wasn’t always smooth. There were still moments when the darkness crept back in. I remember one weekend in Melbourne, feeling utterly disconnected as I wandered through crowded streets that seemed devoid of color and sound.</p><p>But this time, I had tools to help me cope. Throughout my travels and my online research, I had been building a mental toolkit – a collection of practices, videos, songs, and activities that had brought me moments of joy or peace in the past. When the darkness threatened to overwhelm me, I would turn to these resources.</p><p>I’d watch a favorite funny video, listen to a song that always lifted my spirits, or practice a grounding technique I’d learned. Sometimes, I’d seek out new sources of joy – a local art exhibition, a beautiful park, or a conversation with a fellow traveler.</p><p>This toolkit became my lifeline, a way to reignite that tiny flame of hope when it threatened to go out. And with each use, I grew stronger, more resilient, and more convinced that life was worth living.</p><h2><strong>The Ongoing Journey</strong></h2><p>Recovery from suicidal ideation isn’t a straight line. There were times when I felt I’d taken one step forward and three steps back. But that spark of life, no matter how faint, kept me going.</p><p>I began to see my life on earth as a precious opportunity. We are, after all, made of stardust – an incredible confluence of cosmic events that resulted in our existence. Why not take advantage of this beautiful chance we’ve been given?</p><p>As I continued to travel and explore, I found new passions and purposes. I connected with people from all walks of life, each interaction reinforcing the web of human connection that makes life so rich and meaningful. I discovered strengths I never knew I had and dreams I’d never dared to dream before.</p><h2><strong>A Message of Hope</strong></h2><p>If you’re struggling with suicidal thoughts, please know that you’re not alone. The pain you’re feeling is real, but it’s not permanent. There is hope, even if you can’t see it right now.</p><p>Remember that healing is a process, and it’s okay to take it one day – or even one moment – at a time. Build your own toolkit of coping strategies. It might include professional help, medication, supportive friends and family, or activities that bring you joy. Keep expanding this treasure box of resources that can reignite your will to keep going.</p><p>Don’t be afraid to reach out for help. There are people and organizations ready to support you. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255) provides 24/7 free and confidential support. There are also text and chat options available if you’re not comfortable talking on the phone.</p><h2><strong>Embracing Life</strong></h2><p>Today, I look back on my journey with a mix of awe and gratitude. I’m thankful for the strength that carried me through those dark times and for every experience – good and bad – that has shaped who I am.</p><p>Life isn’t always easy, and I still have moments of struggle. But I’ve learned that these challenges are part of the human experience. They don’t define us; they refine us.</p><p>To anyone out there feeling lost in the darkness: hold on. Your story isn’t over. There’s a whole world out there waiting for you to explore it. You have unique gifts to share and experiences to live. It might not feel like it now, but it does get better.</p><p>Remember, you are stardust. You are a miracle of existence. And the world is brighter because you’re in it. Keep holding on to that spark of life, no matter how faint it might seem. Your light is needed in this world.</p><p><br>&nbsp;</p>

Kim Chua

A Journey Through Suicidal Ideation to Rediscovering Joy

Finding Light in the Darkness

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