Content Warning: Brief mentions of suicidality and bullyingIn 2018, I hit my lowest points in life. Growing up, I knew I was different. I had big emotions. I had big thoughts. I had big actions. I had been bullied and cyber bullied my whole life, and with therapists, doctors, and all these professionals unable to diagnose me and share that information with me, I was left to feel like a lost cause that had no hope. Because to me, without a diagnosis, treatments could do more harm than good. I remember a therapist suggesting to my mom that I may not be alive to graduate college. At this stage in my Borderline Personality Disorder, I believed that.I grew angry at the world and so many people for abandoning me rather than giving me some sense of hope. I grew angry at the town I had grown up in for allowing the bullying to take place and kicked me out when I finally reacted. I spent more nights than I like to admit calling a friend or hotline to try to convince me not to attempt suicide because I didn’t believe I could pull myself away from the idea. On November 3rd, 2018, I had my suicide attempt. It was dramatic and intense and landed me in the psychiatric hospital for 20 days. I remember the switch in my head going from suicidal to calm and saying, “I’m fine! I don’t need to be here!” and panicking, not understanding how they did not see me that way.No one in my life, including myself, understood how my big emotions switched so quickly, and I had no way of understanding how my panic and lost friends were due to my deep fear of abandonment. I did not see the problem in viewing bands that impacted me as “Gods” (the idealization part of unstable relationships) or “monsters” and ripping up their posters as if I was ripping them in person (the devaluation) if they did something that did not align with me. No one dared to point out my impulsive and reckless behaviors. My chronic sense of emptiness ruled me. At this time, I did not feel in control. What was in control? My Borderline Personality Disorder.&nbsp;Now, in 2024, I no longer meet the full criteria to be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. According to my therapists, I am doing the impossible as I am about to graduate college with a solid grade point average (GPA). I remember being on a Zoom call where my therapist in Wilderness Therapy was shocked that I was going to become a therapist, as she saw me completely reject many therapeutic practices. In childhood, I was told that I would never make friends. I was too much. Too intense. My black-and-white thinking harmed many friendships, and my family paid the price. Yet, I am now grateful to have a solid friend circle with whom I hang out regularly. My relationship with my parents is the best it has ever been, and I am easily living in the gray. I see the nuances of life where I had not seen them before. My feelings are never nearly as fierce as in 2018, and I can easily regulate them. I’m more mindful about my behaviors than ever and grateful for the little moments. I’m finally comfortable being alone sometimes, and I recognize that I am not being abandoned when the party’s over. I don’t feel as chronically empty. I rarely even have a single suicidal thought. I am in control of my life. How does it feel? Freeing. Alive. Empowering. Magical. It’s a relief and transformative.Peer support played an enormous role in my recovery. At an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) I attended in 2021, I learned social skills and became close with my group. They unconditionally supported me, gave me authentic and creative feedback, and provided nonjudgmental support that was hard to find otherwise. I found that in my time in treatment, the one factor that allowed me to flourish and heal the most was peer support. Peer support allows those with lived experience to normalize and destigmatize struggles while providing a map and road to hope and recovery. I will always appreciate my mentor, who runs the alum group of the IOP I went to and consistently gives intelligent advice that has aided my recovery. Where speaking to someone without lived experiences can sound biased, peer support comes from an understanding that the person “gets it” even if the symptoms aren’t the same.Additionally, peer support allows for creative coping strategies unique to the shared experience. This is why I appreciate peer support in conjunction with professional therapy, as I can gain insight into my experiences with a therapist and process traumatic events while having a destigmatized and motivating conversation with a peer supporter who can help me apply new skills with accountability. Because of the impact of peer support, I have specifically chosen to start my mental health professional work with organizations like Flourish Labs and Active Minds, which can empower youth and young adults to continue to support mental health through peer support. In short, when in doubt, peer support. &nbsp;

John Matthews

What it Feels Like: Recovering from Borderline Personality Disorder

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What it Feels Like: Recovering from Borderline Personality Disorder

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