<p>The journey through grief is deeply personal and unique, especially when a child loses a parent. As the surviving parent, often grappling with my own profound loss, I have had to navigate not only my emotions but also those of our children. In these moments, taking cues from them on how to acknowledge significant dates like birthdays, the anniversary of the death, and holidays becomes crucial.</p><p>My family’s journey has not been easy. I lost my partner, Scott, and the father of our 4 children 19 years ago, almost the same length of time we were together. Our children were 17, 13, 9, and 10 months at the time of his death. Scott was just 38 years old when he passed due to cancer.</p><h2><strong>Following the Child’s Lead</strong></h2><p>Children grieve differently than adults. Their understanding of loss evolves as they grow, and their needs for remembering and honoring their parent who passed may change over time. Some children may want to celebrate birthdays with cake and stories, while others might prefer a quieter remembrance. It’s essential for the surviving parent to observe these cues and follow the child’s lead. Forcing a child into ceremonies or traditions that they are not ready for can hinder their healing process.</p><p>Our children chose to celebrate their dad’s birthday by cooking his favorite dinner, Cheeseburger Macaroni Hamburger Helper (yeah, I know, gross) with green beans (canned, not fresh, I don’t get it 😬). Then it was family movie night. We would watch one of his favorite films, Lords of Dogtown or Dazed and Confused, or if we were really ambitious, the Lord of Rings trilogy (there were only three movies when he died).</p><p>An additional concern for our older children was that the youngest would not remember their dad at all. He was only 10 months old. A tradition was started of bedtime story telling. This was not the usual reading a book (or 10) at bedtime, but one of the older children would tell the youngest a story, an anecdote, about time spent with their dad. As the youngest grew he believed that many of these stories were actual memories that he had of his dad. For example, he was convinced for several years that he had been to Disneyland with us for that family trip. He had not been born yet, and who were we to convince him that he wasn’t there.&nbsp;</p><h2><strong>The Private Grief of the Surviving Parent</strong></h2><p>For the surviving parent, grief often becomes a hidden companion. With the responsibility of maintaining a life that has changed dramatically while at the same time helping the family find their new normal, many parents find themselves putting their grief on hold. This delayed grieving often surfaces in private moments—perhaps crying in the shower or during the quiet of the night when the house is still. These moments are both necessary and inevitable, as they provide a release for the emotions that are kept at bay during the day. This is not to say children shouldn’t see their parent grieve (this is an old, outdated, and incorrect concept). It’s important to see the parent grieve. Not witnessing grief can stop conversation, prevent children from asking questions, and create an incorrect perception of how the surviving parent is feeling.</p><p>It’s important for surviving parents to recognize that while their grief may be sidelined to a certain extent, it is not less significant. Finding private time to process these feelings, whether through journaling, therapy, or quiet reflection, can be essential for long-term emotional health. It was always important for me to ensure our children continued to have the sense of security and safety they had always felt and know that I was, and am, always here and available to them when they need me.</p><h2><strong>Keeping the Memory Alive</strong></h2><p>In the midst of grief, there may be a temptation to remove reminders of the deceased parent to minimize pain. However, keeping photos visible and holding onto meaningful mementos— for us is his snowboard, his mountain bike, and the artwork he created—can provide comfort. These items are not just objects; they are links to the passions and interests that defined his life.</p><p>For our children, seeing these items around the house can be a source of solace. They serve as tangible reminders of his presence and legacy. These mementos help them maintain a connection to their dad who is now gone, reinforcing the idea that although he is no longer physically present, he remains an integral part of our family’s story.</p><h2><strong>Balancing Grief and Healing</strong></h2><p>Navigating the loss of my partner and the parent of my children has been an arduous task. It requires a delicate balance between honoring my grief and prioritizing the very individual needs of each child. By allowing my children to guide how we commemorate significant dates and by preserving the memory of their father through cherished objects, you create a path for healing that honors both the past and the future.</p><p>In this way, I can foster an environment where grief is acknowledged but does not overshadow the possibility of joy and growth in the lives that continue.</p><p><br>&nbsp;</p>

Ally Linfoot

Supporting a Child Who Loses a Parent

Moving Through Grief

PacificSource Health Plans

Horizon Blue Cross Blue Shield of New Jersey

Carelon Medi-cal

Other Medi-cal

Medi-cal managed care

Medicare

Child Health and Disability Prevention Program (CHDP)

Family PACT

Every Woman Counts

Other California Insurance

Moving Through Grief

Explore more

Share

Check out Peers.net socials

Related content

Other

How to Further Your Education on Mental Health

Anxiety

Self Care Activities for However You’re Feeling

Depression

Cultivating Resilience