I’ve come to realize that having a sibling is a fascinating experience. Some siblings can be vastly different in temperament and interests or have had completely different childhoods. Yet, there’s an undeniable closeness. I mean, my brother and I came from the same place – “my mom’s tummy,” as we’d say as kids. We shared parents, grandparents, cousins, toys, meals, and, on occasion, a hobby or two like photography. We’d be stuck in the car together for hours on family vacations, which meant lots of arguing and getting into trouble.One time, he gave me small rocks that he claimed were magic, and my 5-year-old brain thought I’d be more receptive to that magic if I shoved them up my nose. I leaned over to whisper to my older brother that the rocks had become stuck. He yelled so loudly that my mom pulled over the minivan on the side of the freeway. When she got to the car door closest to me, she yanked the handle so hard it came right off. I eventually blew the rocks out of my nose, and the panic subsided enough for my family to have a good chuckle. This is one of the earliest memories I have of my brother. Every time someone brings up “the time Sarah got a rock stuck up her nose,” it’s clear he remembers too. In this shared memory, he feels like an extension of myself. I’m reminded that my experiences were also his experiences. Perhaps he is the person I have shared the most moments of my life with up to a certain point.He’s someone who understood the pure bliss when mom said no to our sugar-filled cereal choice at the grocery store, and our nana bought it for us at the checkout when she wasn’t looking. Someone who got to share our family’s tamales on Christmas and stuff our faces in them until we couldn’t stand the taste of one more until the next year. Someone who understood crucial parts of our identity. Only he knew what it was like to have the weird experiences of being half Mexican and half Jewish. He saw what it was like for us when we code-switched and bounced from our two families who had different ways of living, different cultures, and different resources. He sat in the same hospital room with me as we saw Bubbe take her last breath. He often saw what I saw and he must have felt what I felt.Even though we are such different people in essence, it still feels like we are one. And since he is my only sibling in existence, he is the only other person who can ever be a part of me the way that he is. This is why grieving our relationship hurts so intensely as I’ve watched him lose himself to substances for so many years. This is why even if we aren’t “close” or “friends,” he also feels like a big part of me. I may not always “like him,” but I will always love him.For years my family kept this struggle a secret. I imagine we all felt a certain level of shame like our family unit was failing. Comparison crept in as I looked at other people’s perfect family vacations each summer and dreamed of the day we could all enjoy each other’s company again. Every time my brother falls deeper into his addiction, it feels like I go with him. I know in psychology it is called codependency, but it feels like we are tethered together. I grew up with the belief that you never abandon family; therefore, it has been difficult learning how to cut this rope. As I distance myself in self-preservation, I find solace in the people who know what this is like.Loving someone with an addiction is complicated, and I’ve been met with confusion, judgments, and solutions from friends and extended family, which frankly hasn’t been helpful. Sometimes, I just need someone to understand, and it feels like the only ones who have are the peers who have stood in my shoes. The ones who have tried to hold onto hope not only for themselves but for their loved ones. Through connecting with others, I feel stronger to hold on just one more day. To not let the light at the end of the tunnel disappear. If addiction is an all-consuming darkness, hope is a light. Knowing someone else struggles this way I feel my light shining brighter.

Sarah K.

What it Feels Like: Loving a Family Member with Addiction

PacificSource Health Plans

Horizon Blue Cross Blue Shield of New Jersey

What it Feels Like: Loving a Family Member with Addiction

Explore more

Share

Check out Peers.net socials

Related content

addictions

Struggling with an Addictive Brain

family

Navigating Adolescence

family

How to Talk to Your Child about Mental Health